The Anonymous Widower

Lotus Elan Therapy

Since my wife died in 2007, I have needed solace and perhaps some therapy.  But I have developed my own.  It is called elanism.  This therapy is unique in that it treats both the body and mind in many different ways.  The various methods are described in alphabetical order.

Better Sleep

Getting out in your Elan and driving round the lanes is a relaxing business.  You will certainly sleep better that night with a smile on your face.

Cancer Risk Reduction

It is well known that good vitamin D levels may reduce cancer.  Read this on Cancer Research UK.  What you need is casual exposure to the sun and Lotus Elans make this very easy, as you can raise and lower the hood much faster than those modern cars with automatic electric hoods.  So you need to get out of the car, but then this exercise is good for you.

Drive every day for thirty minutes with the hood down and you might reduce your chance of getting cancer.

Colour Therapy

This is another complete load of bollocks.  Buy an Elan in yellow, red, blue or whatever takes your fancy.  It’ll give you more fun.  If you have a serious problem, buy two or even three!

Enhanced Self Esteem

Lotus Elans are in a very small group of cars, that can be taken anywhere and get total respect.  We parked our first Elan at Deauville Racehorse Sales next to a Ferrari Testarossa.  All the French kids were looking at the Lotus, as they thought the Ferrari was a complete show off and the property of a total tosser.  They were right.

Elans are also the only affordable car, with the possible exception of a mint Morris Minor, that you can turn up in at a three-star Michelin restaurant and will get you total respect.  Even if it is totally filthy.

Feel Younger

Ask someone who doesn’t know about cars how old your Elan is and they will say that it is perhaps five or six years old.  As you might have owned the car for a lot longer this means you feel younger if you do his maths rather than those you know are correct.

G-Force Massage

G-Force massage is a form of passive massage, that has many of the benefits of traditional massage but without the expence of using a practioner or therapist.  You just need to find a suitable road like the A68 or some of those in the Fens and drive the car fast round corners and up and down hills.  Note that the latter is difficult in the Fens, but they have lots of wonderful and dangerous corners. Note that you should avoid the Fens if you can’t swim.

G-Force massage has been shown to increase blood flow and adrenaline levels, which contribute to general well-being.  It may also reduce blood pressure, as mine was higher a few years ago and has now reduced to a respectable 120/70.

Improved Eye Sight

Driving an Elan fast means that you have to look out for the Fuzz! So your eye-sight has to get better!

Improved Sex Life

It is a well-known fact that people and it’s not just women, are turned on by being driven fast in an open-top car.  This effect is also enhanced in Lotus Elans, where the superb aerodynamic design means that you don’t get your hair in a mess.  This advantage is not of course enjoyed by the follically challenged.

Lotus Elans have one problem though.  Sex is almost impossible in an Elan.  On the other hand, the rear spoiler is an ideal hand-hold for position 36.

Increased Muscular Coordination

As we get older, you tend to lose muscular coordination.  Lotus Elans are the ideal vehicle for keeping your motor skills up to date.

Make People Smile

Drive past someone in the street in an Elan and you get looked at.  People smile.  It is our duty to make as many other people happy every day as we can.  It’s easy in an Elan.

New Friends

Elans tend to congregate in friendly groups.  So you make new friends, which helps the lonely.  There is a slight problem with this in that you can sometimes suffer from elanborism.  But hopefully others into elanism will help you guard against this.

Reduce Environmental Guilt

Many people these days suffer from environmental guilt,  brought about by feelings that you are not doing enough to save the planet.  Lotus Elans reduce this feeling, as they last forever, give very good fuel economy for their performance and over their lifetime probably create less carbon dioxide than a modern car.

Conclusion

This is just a start and if you have any other benefits of elanism, please post.

January 30, 2010 - Posted by AnonW | Health | Homeopathy, Lotus Elan