How I Met My Wife
My wife and I were together for forty years before she died in 2007. I say together, as we were effectively living together for a year before we married in 1968.
How we met was unusual, but before I say how, it is worth adding a little bit of interesting history to this note. At the time, along with many of the other students at Liverpool University, I filled in the forms from Operation Match, which was one of the first computer dating agencies.
Two Harvard students — Jeff Tarr and Vaughan Morrill — came up with the idea for Operation Match, a computer dating service, in the mid-1960’s. But they had some help from a Cornell dropout named Douglas Ginsburg.
Did it work? No! I got some names, but I don’t think I ever even met any of them.
In my second year at the University, I shared one of the world’s worst flats with three other students in Princes Avenue in Liverpool 8. Upstairs lived Mike Davidson, who was the Entertainments Secretary of the Students Union. He was trying to get more students to go to Guild Ball and had the idea of running his own Operation Match.
When I heard of this, I asked if I could have first pick!
And that is how I met my wife.
Interestingly, Douglas Ginsburg seems to have dropped in and is now a senior judge in the United States.
Time for a Moan
So Murray’s finished with Wimbledon for another year and life can back to normal.
Perhaps a night in watching the television. But then if today’s Pick of the Day from The Times is anything to go by as to the quality of what’s on, I suspect we should give that a miss.
Horne and Corden – The golden boys of Gavin and Stacey, Mathew Horne and James Corden, were rewarded with their own sketch show on BBC Three, which attracted a record audience of 817,000 for the first episode. After that, it was downhill all the way. Directed by Kathy Burke, the show was roundly slated for being amateurish, crude and aggressively unfunny. Viewing figures collapsed, with only 434,000 bothering with the final episode. In one sketch, two teachers give a joint lesson to a class on how to draw penises; in another, James Corden keeps shouting “I’m going to come!” while having sex. Elsewhere, he pulls up his shirt and rolls his stomach in front of a burger bar as a form of consumer complaint. The acting is accomplished enough, but that’s as far it goes. Viewers on terrestrial television can now find out what they haven’t been missing.
There’s no decent sport on the box either.
So perhaps, I could go to the cinema. In Haverhill, there appears to be nothing on and anyway, I hate going to the cinema by myself. I’ve only done it a couple of times and that was usually in somewhere like Boston, when I had a couple of hours to kill. I remember, that I saw Crocodile Dundee there and they laughed in different places to everybody else, such was their view of New York.
Then I could go for a walk. But at present, I’m crippled with a foot that I cut on Holkham Beach. I’m now on penicillin for it – gluten-free of course!
So I’m reduced to watching Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads on UK Gold.
Such is my lot. At least I can waste time trying to cook something nice.
Widowhood Research
Kate Bennett of the School of Psychology at Liverpool University is recruiting volunteers for studies into widowhood.
This is Kate’s description of the first study.
One is a two week study looking at a model of bereavement called the Dual Process Model. This study takes part over two weeks. At the beginning we will interview participants about their general experiences of bereavement, and they will complete a questionnaire. Then over the next week they will complete a daily diary about their experiences – they can write as much or as little as they like. At the end of the first week, there is a short interview and a questionnaire. In the next week they complete the diary everyday, and then are interviewed and have a questionnaire at the end. This study is being run by myself and my student Lizzie Evans.
And the second.
The second study is an interview study which focuses on changes in social relationships, activities and support before and after the loss. This forms part of my student Laura’s PhD.
There are more details, including how to join, at this web page.
This Old Lawyer
My late wife was a barrister, who did an awful lot of family work. Perhaps because of this, I like to think that a sensible approach to the law can help us in all our situations.
I have just found Melvin Jay Schwatz, who writes eloquently on his site, This Old Lawyer.
His general advice on widowhood is good and funny in a macabre way.
Where are all the Widowers?
After the last post I searched deeper for widowers blogs and information that might help. There would appear to be very little.
Are we all that low on the radar? Or do we just sit and suffer in silence? I have met one widower, who has decided to enjoy himself with large numbers of young ladies, but I think that he is rather in the minority.
There is I think little research into widowhood and even less where widowers are concerned. One researcher at my old university of Liverpool, does research the subject, but when you consider how many are bereaved in this world, the number involved in this subject is very small.
Surely decent research on identifying the problems and suggesting solutions, might be a very affordable way of improving society.
But it still doesn’t answer the question as to why so few widowers are posting on the web.
Posting helps me! So I suspect it would help others.
Widows Wear Stilettos
When I saw this article I thought good. Widows must carry on.
But it’s totally from a female perspective. What about men like me!
Ten Rules to Help You Survive Widowhood
This was posted a couple of years ago by Adrienne.
It is good sense and they are shown with my comments.
- Don’t let fear control you. Your scary thing already happened, and – look! – you’re still here – I have worried about silly things in my health.
- If you need to cry, just cry. If you avoid it, you’re just going to feel like crap – I have done, but not much. I prefer to walk and admire the countryside or the city and just think.
- If you’re tired, sleep. Grief is exhausting – Perhaps, strangely I’ve not had a problem with sleep.
- You should look as good as you can as often as possible. Aside from the fact that this will help you feel better, it will encourage people to stop treating you like you’re completely sad and pathetic, even though you are completely sad and pathetic – I’ve done this, but I’ve lost weight, which I suspect is more to do with being a coeliac, playing a lot of tennis and exercising.
- Eat three meals a day. This sounds easy, but it’s not when you’re grieving – I only eat two with fruit for breakfast.
- Exercise on a regular basis. It will help you work through anger and depression, and it will also help you accomplish Rule #4 – I do this by playing tennis, walking and using the odd weight or two.
- Speaking of anger, find ways to deal with it that don’t involve taking it out on your remaining loved ones. You’ll take it out on your loved ones without meaning to, of course, which is why it’s important to try to channel as much anger as possible in another direction, such as picture books by Madonna – I’ve not had too much anger, except with the statistics of her illness. It was a million-to-one shot.
- Talk about your grief and the person you lost. Your existence is going to make people uncomfortable whether you talk about what happened or not, and people are probably wondering what you’re thinking and feeling even if they can’t figure out how to ask. Talking about grief is part of what makes it real and helps you work through it. Some people choose to, say, start a blog and then insist that their friends, relatives, acquaintances, and even perfect strangers start reading it – I’ve done all that.
- Travel. You’ll be sorry if you spend a lot of time avoiding your grief, but it’s good to take a vacation from it every now and again – I’ve done lots of that. But I can afford it.
- Avoid people who aren’t loving and caring. This is a good rule for life in general, but you really aren’t emotionally stable enough to deal with a bunch of nonsense when you’re grieving – Not sure, if I’ve done this, but I never suffer fools.
Adrienne’s piece was written for a woman as opposed to a man, but it works.
I have a few tips based on things that have happened to me. These may be more oriented to a man.
- Don’t get a dog – I was left with a puppy and it just took the mick out of my grief. I gave her back to the breeder. training a puppy is often a job for more than one.
- If you like sport and you haven’t got it, get Sky – My wife would never have countenanced that expense, but it has proved to be a lifeline at times, when the television is rubbish and you need entertainment.
- Learn to cook – I hadn’t cooked for years and now I generally do it all the time. See some of the recipes on this blog.
- Avoid divorcees – They don’t have a clue about widowhood.
- Do all the things your partner wouldn’t have liked doing – I went on a riding safari in Kenya. She would have enjoyed it, but I suspect she wouldn’t have ridden or camped.
- Don’t move – I’ve remodelled bits of the house and I still sleep in the same bed where she died. Some can’t understand that.
- Make sure your house security is up to scratch – You may well be vulnerable to thieves, as they will think that the house is empty more often.
- Keep all of your partner’s pictures on the walls – I talk to them and ask what she would have done.
- Laugh at all your partner’s junk mail – Taking some seriously can be upsetting.
- Don’t get angry at the waste you’ll see when you dispose of your partner’s effects – I still have the Amani trouser suit she bought a few months before she died and never wore. It’s a slim 10 and doesn’t fit anybody. It’s too good for a charity shop. At least most of her other clothes went to the Cancer Research shop, which had been flooded and needed stock.
But if like me and you’re in your very early sixties, remember you have at least a few and probably twenty years of life ahead of you.
My wife told me to move on. I will!
Merry Widow
Kate Boydell was widowed in 1998 and founded Merry Widow as a survival guide for young widows. She has written books and the resource has grown considerably, with lots of advice, a diary and a forum.
Give it a look.
Surviving Middle-Aged Widowhood
My heart goes out to this lady.
It’s one thing to lose your partner and then yet another to see everything disintegrate over the next few years, due to circumstances and the credit crunch. She also has two children to support.
I was lucky, in that I’m reasonably rich and my youngest child was in their mid-thirties.
Boo’s Journey Through Widowhood
Boo is a widow and writes an eloquent blog about the loss of her husband.
I have got a lot of traffic from her blog and it shows that by linking and commenting on other blogs you can grow the number of visitors.
That is why a blog is a simple way of getting publicity for your cause, views or business. Are web sites dead? If so, long live the blog!
The Anonymous Widower 