Life is too Short for Retirement
The statement is from Colin Murray Parkes, who has just received this year’s Times/Sternberg Active Life Award. This summary from Wikipedia sums up the sort of work he has done.
Parkes is a former chairman and now life president of the charity Cruse Bereavement Care.[4] He acted as a consultant and adviser following the disasters in Aberfan, the Cheddar/Axbridge air crash, the Bradford Football Club fire, the capsize of the Herald of Free Enterprise and Pan American aircraft explosion over Lockerbie. At the invitation of UNICEF, he acted as consultant in setting up the Trauma Recovery Programme in Rwanda in April 1995. At the invitation of the British government, he helped to set up a programme of support to assist families from the United Kingdom who were flown out following the terrorist attacks of 11 September, 2001, in New York. In April 2005 Parkes was sent by Help the Hospices with Ann Dent to India to assess the psychological needs of people bereaved by the tsunami.
And much of it was done after he was supposed to have retired.
One paragraph in the article in The Times today is particularly appropriate to my experience.
He has these words of advice: “The most important thing is not to avoid people who are bereaved. They won’t necessarily ask for help, but it is a lonely time. So do take the trouble to invite them out or go in for a visit. Even if all they really want to do is feel sad and have a good cry, it is nice to be able to do that with someone.
“Most people cope very well with bereavement if you give them a chance. Often people do the wrong thing for the right reason and avoid bereaved people because they are afraid of upsetting them, when actually they are upset anyway and sometimes long to talk about it. This is particularly the case at times of celebrations or anniversaries.”
He is so right. You can could the number of my friends, who have come to visit me since I moved on the fingers of one hand. But I did get large numbers of Christmas cards this year.
Am I bothered? Well, yes and no! I know that I’m way down some peoples’ lists and as someone who has always made most of his own entertainment, I can cope. But don’t say you’ll come and then don’t do it.
A Dress For C!
C bought several of her summer dresses from Oasis. One particular pink halter neck dress appears in quite a few of the pictures, I have of her.
I have a feeling that this dress might well have ended up in her wardrobe.
A Dress for C!
One of the joys of living with C, was going shopping for clothes together. Often, she wouldn’t like a dress or I wouldn’t like a pair of trousers, but the other would say they would be fine. Usually, the decision was right.
So why is this dress so right for C?
Her arms and waist were her best features. her legs weren’t too bad either and although it would have been too short for her five years ago, with black tights, it certainly wouldn’t be now!
A Boost For All Widows
Darren Clarke’s victory in the Open is to be welcomed. I suspect too, that a lot of widows will find his win heartening. I certainly do!
I do wish he’d give up the cigars though!
The Beautiful Blonde Brazilian on a 38 Bus
One of the good things about London, is often you get into spirit raising conversations on the bus.
Take today, when I was returning from the Waitrose at the Angel for the second time, because they didn’t have any of my preferred brand of yoghurt the first time, I ended up sitting next to a young lady, or was it a girl, with long blonde hair. As I always do, when I sit next to someone of the opposite sex, I always ask if it is OK to sit there. I may have lots of faults, but I was brought up to hold doors, give up my seat on buses and tubes and generally be polite. I’ve found it to be to my advantage in life.
We chatted until I got off and found that she was a Brazilian student from the far south of the country. She was liking her stay in London and she was pleased at her reception in the city. As a Londoner, I was pleased we’d welcomed her so well.
Despite being a wreck I must still have something left, as she didn’t think I was some old groper and turn her face to the window. But neither did the lady on the 141.
So there might be some hope for me!
My Rolex Keeps Stopping
My last present from C, a Rolex from her, engraved with “J Xmas 2007 and Forever. C” is not running too well and I have to keep adjusting the time.
Is this all part of a fiendish joke to make sure I remember her? Not that I need reminding!
The Biggest Womens Prison In The World
I inadvertently left the television on last night and I was woken at about 4:30 by a program about the plight of women in Saudi Arabia called Behind the Saudi Veil, by Sue Lloyd Roberts, shown in the Our World series. There’s a written article here.
The title of this post, was how a woman described Saudi Arabia.
Particularly badly treated appeared to be divorced women and widows, as they have no man or guardian to find the way through the byzantine Saudi bureaucracy. They were also unable to work, as driving by women is illegal and that meant they couldn’t get to work or even to the bureaucrats to get help.
The news in the Middle East has been all been about an Arab Spring. I doubt that will ever happen for women in Saudi Arabia.
Quite frankly it’s an atrocity, that must be ended.
International Widow’s Day
A very helpful and human customer support lady from easyJet told me that June 23rd is now Widow’s Day.
I think this is a good idea, but having read the UN citation on the day, they have it for widows only. I know in many countries widows suffer much more than widowers, but let’s face it, we’re all in the same leaky boat without a baler.
Let’s Ban Mother’s Day
Signs like this really get my goat.
Mother's Day Promotion
After all, I haven’t got a mother and C, the mother of my sons died three years ago.
And I bet the free meal on offer doesn’t have a gluten-free option.
How about a widows day?
The Advantage of Being a Widow
Let’s face it, there aren’t many advantages in losing your long-term partner, but there is one.
You often immediately know that a phone call is a scam or just downright fraud.
I just had a call from a number 0845-1113111, which because of its form I thought was one of those rediculous automated text messages. Annoying those may be, but at least they are genuine. If you need to know more about the number that called me, look here.
I knew when the caller started that it was an unwanted call, as the idiot on the line asked for Mr. or Mrs. xxxx. As my wife died over three years ago now, it wasn’t the smartest thing for him to do. I told him politely that she’d died and the number was registered with the Telephone Preference Service. But he kept going on about government grants and in the end I told him to Foxtrot Oscar and left him talking to the radio.
Anybody who asks for my late wife is always considered by me to be a scammer unless they prove themselves otherwise. Some do, as they are solicitors or other genuine callers trying to reach her, who haven’t heard that she in fact has passed on.
Facebook Involved in Divorces
It had to happen, that what you write on Facebook, would start to drop you in the mire over your marriage. One of the reasons, I blog rather than use Facebook seriously, as I have total control over what goes up. Also if someone uses bad spelling or grammar, I can remove the worst of the horrors. C also did some of her training in libel chambers, so I know enough to hopefully make sure, I stay the right side of that line. I also choose my targets with care.
This article in the Telegraph explains the problem of divorce and Facebook.
One lawyer is quoted as saying.
Many of divorces came after partners found “flirty messages” on the Facebook wall of their partner – and also “inappropriate suggestive chats” which spouses can see.
Note that I’ve corrected the punctuation in this extract. Times must be bad when you can’t rely on the Tory Party at Gossip.
As a widow, some would be surprised at some of the messages, I’ve exchanged with other widows. Flirting and the odd suggestion are very much part of life and help everybody to keep a balance in the darkest of times.
So that adds another layer of complexity to the problem and puts more icing on the legal bill.
The Anonymous Widower 